| Uning and Reuning |
[Jul. 15th, 2008|02:01 pm] |
I really love my new orleans. I really love the fact that I am sitting here beside my becky, dear dear friend of years ago. I really love the fact that I am friends with my ex...he looks great and I love his girlfriend. i love that i have encountered bethea/butterfly and leo...we all reuned/uned on july 4. i am so grateful and i'm going to put up some pictures very soon. can this grace and beauty last? does it matter?
i now have it tattooed on my wrist: new orleans in tiny tiny letters. words to bring me back home again. home is home is home, regardless of what happens there or anywhere else. i will return to santa fe nm to finish school and then come back here, where the dearest friends of my heart are. dear friends are painful. dear friends are in the dark and know the deepest heart of me. i love sf. i love my job and am dating someone nice....a ventura californian. but the truth is is that home is home. home needs me and i need it.
i need her...my weirdness, my love, my city, my protector! only here do the trees truly come alive/alove/aheart. only here do dreams come true. only here would real love make sense - even if i were single for a thousand years. Only here do the cockroaches climb lovingly in my hair (and freak me out, not meaning to.) Only here do the bugs really bite.
Could I take it for more than a second? Could I live here and handle it, with the ancient trees and the wizards? Could I stay here, where some of the dearest parts of my spiritual family are? Friends and darkest friends! Only here do I accept my insanity and that of others. Only here do I dream something and see it happen for myself and for others. Only here do I plug in and become somebody...the cowgirl vigilante, the tarot reader, the wizardess, the lover of nature. Everything!
here is where I wish to grow up, grow old, and die (if i have to.)
i have grown in other places, but here am i now. i have learned very much on the mountain, but it has cracked, grown weak, and fallen. so i retreat to the bowl at the center of my universe. there's no place like here, not exactly.
home is where the truth of mySelf comes out. i'm waiting to find out what that is, and trying to keep an open mind. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 1st, 2008|06:13 pm] |
I just want to say that I am burnt out on the OC. I had a bad experience and I don't think I can keep trying to live according to these laws which no longer seem to give life.
I am sad...but I know I need to stay away. When the world seems far safer than the church, you know something is wrong.
I guess I don't know how often I'll be reporting back here either...I am online somewhat more often on myspace. feel free to email me etc.
love to you all... |
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| unbelievable |
[Feb. 20th, 2008|10:01 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Spice Girls - Mama | ] |
it is unbelievable how long it's been since i've logged on...lots of water under the bridge and a lot of distraction. but oh well...my mom just died and that's a lot on my mind...her funeral is tomorrow....i hope to write more when i can...i do love and miss her...how she suffered and how she loved us...
gotta go but more hopefully soon.. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 28th, 2007|06:39 pm] |
allo!
so here's things:
i had a really good interview on monday with a clothing company...another one tomorrow....
i had a good interview today with a daycare place at the mall...i really like my potential bosses there...
i like my potential bosses at both places really...which is good and important.
i think i would enjoy working at the daycare place better...it involves lots of toys...tho i dunno...i don't have a lot of experience at retail or daycare but!! learning is good.
i am looking forward to starting school..there doesn't seem to be a prob with my residency as i'd worried..just need to fill out the financial aid form..
i am enjoying santa fe very much. everyone is so friendly and nice. it's nice to live in a town where the bus drivers are all what my Grandma would call Characters. They are not only unique but very kind.
my other job tutoring will start soon...i need to get some things done...but at least it will be happening soon..
i'm looking forward to a schedule. i'm nervous about tutoring. i still don't know where to start really but i will begin where the kids begin..
i love my new/old apartment...the same one i lived in the last time i was here!
hoping to work on my writing again soon...
I'm gonna go...but thought i would update a tiny bit! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2007|11:19 am] |
Please check out my tee shirts at zazzle!
http://www.zazzle.com/desertfaith
So things are progressing on the tutoring job. I finally gave them my fingerprints and other such doodads and hopefully the job will start soon.
I am going to move in to my old apartment. It is really lovely...a little more expensive than I'd like to invest right now...but it's awesome that it is available. Nothing more comforting than the familiar, eh?
I had a good interview Tuesday at the coop near my old apartment. I really would love to work there. It would solve many issues/problems...including transportation. They want me to work evenings, and I say - bring it on! I am kinda a night person anyway. and it would only be til 10 or 11 or so. it would make it more likely for me to make it to work. Especially if I take my old apt...which of course I shall be...
i saw old friends Wednesday...Joaquin, and Jose, a bus driver. He says that Jose is the most common name of all in the world today, other than Mohammed...which is 1. That is not surprising, but very interesting. I saw also other bus driving acquaintance/buddies, Harry...I think that's his name. Wonder if they mind me blogging about them.. Jose also is a fan of the Green Hornet, from childhood. He told me the about the Green Hornet Oath, which I bet I could find for you and share it. Do you think Joaquin is for Joachim, the Virgin Mary's father? I thought maybe.
I went home weds to Martha's walking...I brought a flashlight which really eased things. She owns a home in this development that advertises its open sky...its open night sky. It is awesome to see the stars in her neighborhood. They really do have some lights, but not very bright. It's hard to see walking back here, and so I am glad I just bought one of these nifty flashlights that winds up. The nuns had a ton of those..and it reminds me of them.
I do miss them!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2007|11:09 pm] |
I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Ow. Anyway I am having a wonderful time lately, and getting too attached to Myspace and not posting here...which is just cuz i found a lot of old friends on there and have been enjoying talking to them... I am staying with the gorgeous and wonderful Genevieve and Martha and Nektaria, who rock beyond all belief. Martha took me out for a flight in her plane yesterday, and that was a thrill. I took a bunch of pictures with my new digital camera that was a gift from Dad. I hope to post some up here very soon.
As soon as I get my head together, I am gonna just write down the highlights of the last couple of days. I feel so strongly that God loves me and that I will be provided for. The return here is so strong. It is kinda like New Orleans...in the way that it has a small town feel...in the way that everyone wants to give you a ride if you get stuck...in the way that people say hello on the street...it is so nice. I really feel that this time, life is going to change...or at least - life is giving me yet another opportunity for change. ;-)
But bottom line - I got a new job! It's tutoring and is very part time (tho I think it's possible to work every school day if i want to) but it's helping students to improve on their standardized tests - but as Liz my boss says, it's really about helping the student to gain skills in reading, writing, and math so that they can do these things. and that's amazing. I would love to tutor math but i hardly feel capable of tutoring english/reading...it's going to be multiple students...it is going to be a challenge...God willing it will be a great experience.
I'm hoping to finish my A.A. soon...that's happyfying.
More soon! And I know I need to talk about the experience at St. Barbara's too...it may take some time but with God's help I'll do it... |
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| hi... |
[Oct. 29th, 2007|05:25 pm] |
i have been getting lost on myspace. and in doing some other things - preparing to move back to Santa Fe. I am at my Dad's house until Saturday and then pow off to a new old world. I want to share another Rilke poem. Soon. And I want to share my music page with you..i think a lot of you have heard these but maybe some not. Anyway I will soon begin to write some memoirs for you. God willing.
I'm just preparing to go..my friends Genevieve and Martha will host me til I find a place. Wow do I love them.
Life is opening up and I am sad about some things but very excited and hopeful at the same time! I am hopeful about going back to school and writing and music and etc.
http://www.myspace.com/stefaniemoisseialotker this is my music page
http://www.myspace.com/desertfaith this is my myspace
I put up some of my art there in the pictures section. in the desertfaith one. I guess I could share them here too...dunno if you can look at my pics unless you have myspace.
:-)
soon soon i will write about the monastery, once i have a chance to take a breath. I think not all at once..but in bits.
take care and it's good to be back out in the world! |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2007|02:40 pm] |
Hello again!
I am leaving the monastery.
Just wanted to say hello. |
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| recap of things past. |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|02:01 am] |
http://desertfaith.livejournal.com/66067.html
please read this. if you want to know where i am headed.
I went to visit a monastery - Saint Barbara's... in October for 2 weeks and it was incredible. And Mother Victoria (Abbess) said that she is willing to give me the ...blessing to stay if I want to. So I am going for a full year. To see what it is all about....
I need to rest now.
You are in my thoughts and I will try to keep up my LJ tho I may have to not. |
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| free Gospel musical CD and DVD being given out |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|10:44 pm] |
Two years ago, when I was doing some research for some writing, I encountered this really awesome story. It was a story about an outpouring of the Holy Spirit that happened in Los Angeles in 1906. It was led by William J. Seymour, an African American preacher. And people of all backgrounds were worshipping together - jews, blacks, hispanics, indians, and whites - when this kind of thing certainly never happened. It all occured at a run down building in a bad neighborhood. And thousands of people came every day, for three years straight.
This man, Brother Seymour, is the father of Pentecostalism. I don't think he is well known either. I am not sure. But I found that there is a musical that's been made (I think there is more than one actually.) about it...it was performed on April 6, 2006 which is the hundred year anniversary of the beginning of the revival. I friended them on Myspace and then later decided to see if I could purchase the musical CD/DVD. When I contacted them, they said they wanted to send it for free! Ruth Robledo, the writer and director, was kind enough to answer my questions.
I watched this film last night, and it is so incredible. It inspired me. I mean yes - it is an incredible musical. It was well produced...filmed...put together in all ways. The actors/singers were incredible and the musicians were as well. In fact they played a little funk with their gospel at times which was odd but fit! I could tell how much work had been put into it. It was also a spiritual experience...and I got a touch of Revival myself.
The story itself is so amazing. But I believe that this did happen: that a group of folks of many backgrounds..."jew and greek"...got together and experienced something that is difficult for us to imagine.
Anyway if you are interested, please contact them. And please pass this information on to people you think would enjoy the film/music.
http://www.myspace.com/99849092
AzusaStreetGospelMusical@yahoo.com
http://www.azusastreet.org/azusastreetbooks.htm |
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| Some thoughts about friendship. |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|10:55 am] |
Friendship is something extended to us from afar. It is a true and honest gift of the heart. It is the heart offered in complete confidence. Where the giver is confident, offering regardless of whether the gift will ever be recieved or honored.
Friendship is amazing to me. I guess some of it is that I'm such a poor friend. It amazes me when others give it to me regardless of whether or not I am a friend in return. I always try to do nice things and then flake out cuz of the pressure. I want to be a good listener - someone who sincerely loves. I talked to a friend on the phone last night and realized - *I'm* doing all the talking. He is a good listener. and I lack the confidence/sense to ask the right questions. - the questions that listeners ask.
May God give me the strength! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2007|10:33 am] |
I am going in to the monastery on Monday.
I will try to catch up to all of you before then...to your LJs, and emails, and everything.
If you have any prayer requests let me know.
many hugs to you all and much love for hanging in there with me and being my friends.
love,
m |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 28th, 2006|07:34 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  curious | ] |
okay...i haven't been reading my friends page or keeping up at all with email/comments/responsibilities/life/promises please forgive me. i have been overwhelmed. i got some good news: i will be done with my last dental appointment on jan 3rd. which means that by the 2nd week in jan i could be back at St. Barbara's. :-) That would be awesome. We'll see what happens...I need to call Mother Victoria.
i know that this is the best thing for me right now. i know that it is a blessing, no matter what comes of it. the world keeps on swirling around and making me dizzy. i need clarity. i need to figure out who i am in christ, and i want to become strong. right now i have no defenses. i feel like i am a wannabe hobbit in a place where there is no place to hide and dig a hole.
*hugs*
i will catch up!
edit: it will probly be Sat Jan 13. We shall see... |
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| Christ is Born! Merry Christmas! |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|12:10 am] |
God is amazing. You are amazing. I want to say more... too tired right now. I have been fried. So been avoiding stuff. But it is still Christmas....and that Reality changes everything else for me. God gives strength to people who need it and ask for it. I know that everything is going to be all right. I have a lot of work to do. I know it. Merry Christmas. Let us live into the feast. The fact that the Nativity is here means that Pascha is coming...the feast of feasts. So let us live into the feast in a real way. I'm talking to myself.
I didn't really feel at home in Christmas...but now I feel at home in the feast.
Thanks to you all. |
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| Writing: CONFLICT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|12:10 pm] |
I realize something.
The reason I can't finish anything I write is because of problems with CONFLICT. Because I suck at dealing with conflict in my own life, I don't know how to confront it in a story. I get a character in a position and then can't/won't deal with getting them out. I do finish first drafts...but they don't solve the PROBLEM OF CONFLICT.
That makes me mad, and I don't know how to deal with it.
I come up with ways that OTHER people could solve the problem...but not ways that I can work through myself. Like a chess game or something. I say..yeah I'd love to read that in a book...but let's face it I suck at games and chess and all that stuff. It's not me and part of it is yet again...I am afraid of conflict so I never learned how to play games.
Oh, I can finish first drafts. But you can do that without solving the problems of the book.
I wonder if anyone else can relate to this? |
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| Words to live by, NIV style. |
[Dec. 17th, 2006|01:53 am] |
II Corinthians 5 vs. 7
We live by faith, not by sight. (I thought it was walk, not live?)
II Corinthians 5 13-15
If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who love should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
II Corinthians 4 16-18
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. |
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| i like the vegan part. |
[Dec. 16th, 2006|08:16 am] |
On the twelfth day of Christmas,  desertfaith sent to me... Twelve painful_honestys drumming Eleven iharthdarths writing Ten pixlets a-running Nine djprojects biking Eight clayshapers a-songwriting Seven seraphimsigrists a-walking Six andrea4981s a-singing Five li-i-i-innapaws Four theotokos Three huntington's Two new orleans ...and a vegan in a history. |
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| Is Someone really holding up the falling? |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|03:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  is there a rainbow? | ] |
(Actually posted 12/13...I messed up the date.)
Autumn
R.M. Rilke
The leaves are falling, falling as if from far up,
as if orchards were dying high in space.
Each leaf falls as if it were motioning "no."
And tonight the heavy earth is falling
away from all other stars in the loneliness.
We're all falling. This hand here is falling.
And look at the other one. It's in them all.
And yet there is Someone, whose hands
infinitely calm, holding up all this falling.
Translated by Robert Bly
Is Someone really holding up the falling?
Do you believe? Do you know? |
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